Thoughts dance in my mind, crashing into one another and bouncing off the edges. I woke from a dream, caught up in the memory of a life I don’t know. I dream and it’s not me, but I can’t cast aside the thoughts; it’s as if it WAS me. Why do I dream someone else’s life? I toss and turn, craving sleep but unable to find rest. If I sleep again will the story continue? Will I again be me but not?
Rain pouring down and cold damp air; I could feel it seeping into my skin. A streetlamp and people moving around just past the edges, I knew they were there, but they were merely figures moving with no care or interest in me. He walked beside me, slightly behind until I turned and teasingly said “Keep up or I’ll be walking alone.” He lengthened his stride and walked close to me, touching my shoulder with his arm. I could feel him there, but not quite see him. I suddenly stopped walking and turned toward him. The light shone on his face yet I still couldn’t see him clearly; like the picture in my mind was overexposed and too bright. He was taller than me, but not by much. For some reason I was very aware of that and gave it a few seconds thought; like I was surprised to notice it. My thoughts were in my head but not my own and in my dreaming state I KNEW that but couldn’t sort me from the dream. I stood facing him, so close that a deep breath would have made us touch. I ached to take his hand; I felt as if he was slipping away. I could see his face suddenly but even now as I write, cannot put a name or a real person in his place but I felt, feel even now as if I knew him deeply. It’s a sensation that wraps around my emotions and pulls at me; like I’ve lost something and can almost remember where to find it, but not quite.
I heard myself speak “I don’t want to push you away.” The tone was urgent and pleading. The voice; not my own. He looked at me for a long moment, silent and searching my face. “You aren’t. Pushing me away that is. But…there is too much.” I have no clue what that meant; “too much” what? In my dream it was as if I knew; but here, in the light of my computer, I have nothing but a leftover yearning.
I felt as if the world had shifted slightly underneath my feet; I was hyper aware of every breath and heartbeat, then slowly and deliberately I turned and walked away, leaving him to stand or to follow, I don’t know which because oddly when I turned, I could see ME as if I was now watching from a different body.
I woke and for a few moments did not know where I was or for that matter WHO I was. In a flash the dream played out again and I realized that it had been a dream and not MY reality. Even in the writing of this; I feel a lingering sense of having popped into another life. I know it was a dream; the feelings though, will stay with me for awhile I think.