I’m dreaming, I know I am but I don’t want to wake.
You sitting on a sofa, I see you clearly; wearing jeans and a rumpled button down. Your elbows are on your knees and your head in your hands. The room is almost dark, but I see you clearly. A man who has lived; some great times and some that have left deep scars. No longer the boy I used to know, yet he is there too. I sense that this moment is a wounded moment in time for you.
I’m sitting in front of you, on a table or an ottoman, I don’t see it, just know it is there. I can see myself, as if I’m in two worlds at the same moment. One inside my skin and feeling my heart beat and one standing silent and observing, as if watching a movie. I long to touch you, to reach out and take your hands from your head and press your palms to my face. I want to ease the pain you are suffering but I’m frozen and waiting for you.
After many heartbeats, you raise your eyes to meet mine. Yours are washed in pain, the tears barely held back. You search my eyes, as if I have answers to unspoken questions. I do not.
As if the act of looking at me released me from my paralyzed state; I reach for you. I cannot help myself; the wanting of you, the urge to wipe away your pain is too much to even consider resisting. My hands find yours and I bring first one palm to my lips and kiss it, keeping my eyes on yours, unwavering, and then the other. You watch, and are unresisting. Your eyes show a flicker of interest, but still brim with pain. My heart aches for you.
I hear my voice but think it is in my head and unspoken. “I don’t know how to make this better.” I know in my dream state that I don’t know what the source of your pain is, somehow it doesn’t matter. You look at me, unspeaking, with your hands held in mine, close to my face. I wait.
You slowly reach for me…sliding your hands from my shoulders to my forearms then my hands.
“are you certain?” you whisper.
I nod, speechless with emotion. Yes I’m certain, certain that I should not be with you, and certain that I want you more than life.

Your hands pull me toward you and I go willingly…

I’m falling headlong into something I know I shouldn’t. I can’t seem to stop myself; there are no brakes. I want and I feel that I need, but I can’t justify.
I spend all my waking moments thinking of the what ifs and the should have done this kind of thoughts.
I should have leaned softly against you and touched you, there on the skin your rolled up sleeve exposed. I was fascinated by the very thought of touching you like that. What if I had simply laid my hand on your arm, there on your bare skin. Would you have felt the electricity that I felt? Would you have stayed close to me, or moved closer? Maybe you would have found the strength to move away….
I should have laid my hand on your skin, wrapped my fingers lightly about your wrist and looked into your eyes. I should have let you see me. I should have looked into your eyes and shared the secret thoughts and desires in my heart and head.
I thought about it a thousand or more times. I was afraid. Not afraid of the wanting I might see in your eyes, that would have been the delight to my soul! I was afraid you would turn away and leave me with my wanting of you.
I was afraid that prudence, would win. The attempt at being intelligent, doing the right thing and not moving on this path…I was afraid of that.
Wanting you consumes me. I ache and I want. I cannot sleep nor can I rid myself of the desire for you with another..it burns too brightly.